10 tips to be a good start-up boss, success at the expense of others

Here we are, or rather here you are. You’ve finally decided to leave your pathetic, monotonous life as a loser behind and become a winner. For a long time you thought you were the Harry Potter from the book of your life when you were just Ron Weasley’s bloody mouse. But it’s over, thanks to this top you’ll have all the keys to be a real start-up boss and become someone important. To move forward together, I’m going to call him Daniel, and since I’m a cool start-up boss, I’m going to tell you, Daniel sucks, so I’m going to call him Dan. Did you see how I talk shit to you from the top of the top? Soon you will be able to do so too and inspire respect and admiration in others.

1. Find a solid concept for your startup

New ideas are rare, most good ideas have already been taken from elsewhere, which is why you shouldn’t hesitate to steal someone else’s idea and produce it faster than he can. The law of the market is to come up with a concept first and then improve it. The idea that you stole will likely be zero, but that’s okay: you’ll spend your time belittling others’ to improve yours: others’ failure will be your elevator to the top. You saw that I used a colon “:” twice in the same sentence, because I’m the boss and I don’t give a damn about the rules.

2. Build a perfect team: favor interns and work-study candidates

You can imagine that the principle of being the boss of a start-up is to give a damn, so you’re going to need employees. But who says that employees talk about wages and charges and that’s boring. Hiring the right people as managers, real winners, and for the rest doing interns and work-study contracts is malleable and we can make them do the most boring tasks using the phrase “no, but we all go through it”.

3. Only hire winners (or easily impressionable people)

To carry out your project successfully and, above all, quickly, you will need motivated people. And what motivates people the most? A shitty atmosphere and a general feeling of being fired if the job is done poorly. By pushing people to work unpaid overtime, you will get the best out of them and they will respect you for it. And why don’t they go away? Because you will have equipped the offices properly.

4. Organize your workspace to create productivity-enhancing comfort

Your slaves employees will work long hours to line your pockets, which is why you have to return the favor to them. It’s boring, but that’s how it is, and in the end it’s pretty simple. Install a drinking fountain in offices, invest in a used table football (even if it’s crumpled, who cares) and make a video game console available. Do not suddenly install unhappy, it must come little by little, otherwise they will start behaving like spoiled children.

5. Give your team nicknames

Why do you think I call you Dan? Because it’s cool and it’s young and it creates a bond of intimacy between us, whereas I usually don’t give a shit about you. If you call your team by nicknames they will understand that you are their friend, which is also why when you use your real name they will instantly understand the difference.

Example :

– Pat, come to my office! (The employee looks forward to playing a game of ping pong and sharing a special moment with you.)

– Patrick, come to my office! (The employee knows he screwed up and expects to be insulted and fired.)

Also, nicknames can save the day if you decide not to remember your team’s first names, so calling everyone by an emotional nickname like “coffee maker” or “stapler”.

6. Compete with a rewards system

By setting goals for your team with bonus earnings, you will find that everyone will start to get more motivated. But that’s not enough, it’s essential to pit people against each other by pretending they’re insulting each other behind their backs. Example :

“Hey Didier, Catherine told me you were so stupid you hid your own Easter eggs. If I were you, I would try to earn the reward by completing my goals faster than her, because she is on the right path to winning and that would prove her right…

Divide and conquer is the basis of management, otherwise they start talking too much and get along and even before they have time to fart, there is talk of unions and raises.

7. Foaming on Linkedin, that’s what it’s for

Linkedin is hell on earth, it’s well known. But not for you who are part of high society, the tool was created so that you and the other bosses can finally soap up. If your employees love you and praise you, let the rest of the world know. Do not hesitate to teach classes on the social network and show how much you are a mentor and a quality team leader. Do not hesitate to pay to sponsor your message, it will be less that it will go into the pockets of the proletarians who work for you.

8. Don’t Spare Team Building (at a lower cost)

Do you really think you can treat your team like dirt all the time and never give them a nut to crack? Saint Daniel, there are no two like you, you are stupid, it is not possible. This is obviously false, you also have to go through more boring steps like team building. If your club has a good number you can take everyone for a day or even a night somewhere. Watch out for long trips or activities like quad biking, massages or that sort of thing: it costs a ball and you worry about your balls. A good meal at the Buffalo Grill (dish/dessert, they pay for the drink, don’t play) and an archery session in the club’s parking lot and that’s it.

9. Go to the office at irregular hours and write to your employees at indecent hours

The urgent message sent at 10pm from the terrace of your loft must absolutely be written in a dry tone, otherwise your employees will not take it seriously. It’s more or less illegal to order things outside of working hours, but that’s okay, you’re above the law. Because your presence at the office comes irregularly, so you can go days without coming, but your employees are waiting for an unexpected arrival and don’t take advantage of it.

10. Make points with your employees to talk about you

You can organize these meetings when you have a little time off, like after a bad investment in the stock market or because your partner/partner dumped you because you’re just human shit. Take advantage of these moments to talk about you to one of your employees, you don’t even have to tell the truth, just show how much your life is better than his and bring him down to inflate your ego.

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